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The 20 Types of Depressed Sports Fans

High and Wide

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2. The Single F-Bomb Fan


This fan is a traditionalist. He or she responds to every negative twist and turn with a single f-bomb, followed by a brooding silence. Simple. Timeless. Almost, dare we say, elegant.


This fan actually comes in two sub-varieties: The short f-bomb, or the drawn-out f-bomb. The former gets bonus points for volume, while the latter is aiming for endurance.


11. The Fan Who Keeps Yelling ?What Are You Doing?!?


This amateur analyst has exactly one page in his playbook: Furiously gesturing at somebody while yelling ?What are you doing?? As the game goes on and the situation becomes more dire, this fan continues to zero in on somebody, anybody, to criticize. By the end of the game, he?s doing it during every play, every replay, and most commercial breaks.


Note that this fan will never answer his own question, because he actually has absolutely no idea what anybody?s doing.


15. The Fan Who Stays in the Back of the Room


This fan doesn?t want a front-row seat. He doesn't want the comfy chair off to the side. He doesn't want a spot near the food. He just wants to be left alone at the back of the room, as far away as possible.


Nobody actually knows what this fan is doing back there. He might as well be in another country. Which, of course, is exactly how he wants it.




Which are you?

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I was this up until last year when I broke my hand after game 5 against Ottawa.


1. The Fan Who Punches a Wall


This guy (and it’s almost certainly going to be a guy) reacts to a devastating loss with physical violence. Usually that comes in the form of a wall-punch, though occasionally he’ll mix in a double-palmed coffee table slam or a pulverized remote control. This will be followed by an uncomfortable silence as everyone slowly inches away from him. Eventually, somebody may try to break the tension by offering him a drink or complimenting his Ed Hardy shirt.


Your level of amusement with this fan’s antics will be directly correlated to whether you’re watching the game at his house or yours.


8. The Over-the-Top Meltdown Fan


Featuring all the anger of Single F-Bomb Fan, but lacking his sense of self-control, this fan reacts to a loss the way a toddler reacts to having a toy taken away: with screaming and other assorted histrionics. He makes everyone uncomfortable when he is watching in a group, which he's probably not, because nobody likes having Over-the-Top Meltdown Fans around.




Since my injury, I have become this... for the most part lol


17. The Fan Who Isn’t There Because He Only Watches Big Games at Home Alone


You won’t see this fan because he's politely declined your invitation to watch the game with a group. He takes sports more seriously than friendship or camaraderie or even basic human interaction, which is to say that he has his priorities straight. (Side note: This fan’s absence also might be related to that one time that he was the Might Be Crying Fan.)


You may get a text message or two from this fan as the game goes on. More likely, you won’t. Once the game is over and the magnitude of the disaster has become clear, be a good friend and phone in a police wellness check.


18. The Non-Reaction Fan


This fan barely acknowledges what’s just happened. In fact, you have to study him carefully to find any reaction at all. He might slump slightly, or offer a subtle head shake. There’s a slim chance that he might mumble something indecipherable under his breath.


But that’s it. Whatever chaos is unfolding around him, he won’t acknowledge it. If you didn’t know any better, you’d almost think he was at peace with what he'd just seen. There’s a sense of serenity to him, like a still pond on a windless morning.


Make no mistake: No fan is hurting worse than this one.


19. The Catatonic Fan


This is The Non-Reaction Fan’s more extreme cousin. Catatonic Fans don’t move. They stare straight ahead. They don’t seem to be breathing. They don’t respond to external stimuli at all. You can walk right up to them and touch their eyeball, and they won’t blink. There is a non-zero chance that they may actually be dead.


The guy in the no. 17 Wendel Clark jersey at the end of that Leafs video may be the greatest Catatonic Fan of all time.

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I'm a single "fuck" (sometimes you get a few bonus obscenities), the "what are you doing, Callahan" fan, and I'm sometimes a 17 depending on the game.


This is generally. I've been all these fans at one point.


Yea, we all have.

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You've been to games with me where we lost, son. We both do the exact same thing — sit and brood, and then leave annoyed.


You're far more tolerable at games than in GDTs. You don't whine about how bored you are. You just propose trade offers for Garth Murray.

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You're far more tolerable at games than in GDTs. You don't whine about how bored you are. You just propose trade offers for Garth Murray.


Truth. It's tough to fall asleep at a game, or in a bar. I take like 100 cat naps on my couch though.

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I remember kicking a wall during a soccer game nearly two years ago out of rage. Didn't break anything (I think), but the foot still hurt for weeks.


Otherwise I think I've been nearly everything on this list, aside from 13 and 14, always depending on the game, though I think past experience has made me become more like 17-19 for most games.

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18 and 19 is basically every Pitt fan. Somehow some way they always manage to fuck up with high expectations and its just widely accepted that this happens now. Inevitable collapse is so expected now that Pitt football recruited and signed a kicker with the last name Blewitt.
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I have been a little bit of all of these. I am a lot of the superstitious fan, I will wear the same sneakers on game days, I wont wear certain things, if I go to a game, I have to eat the same thing every time, and I have to sit in the same seat all season, all if they are done on wins. While watching the game, I will curse a little bit, and on dumb plays I will yell what are you doing, but like most have said here, after the game, I sit and stew for a couple of minutes and I am over it.
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