When A Loved One's Loved One is Dying

What do you do?

 

What can you say?

 

My wife's best friend from HS was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy but the cancer has spread to her blood.

 

The doctor's recommend chemo, but she refuses. She's going to try homeopathic treatments. The side effects of this chemo are spitting blood, losing hair, perment loss of feeling in toes and fingers...Along with the usual nausea and such. The doctor is begging her to do the chemo, since any re-occurance of the cancer will be inoperable.

 

I get why she doesnt want to do it. Quality of life and such. My wife is devastated.

 

I don't even know what to say or do.

What do you do?

 

What can you say?

 

My wife's best friend from HS was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy but the cancer has spread to her blood.

 

The doctor's recommend chemo, but she refuses. She's going to try homeopathic treatments. The side effects of this chemo are spitting blood, losing hair, perment loss of feeling in toes and fingers...Along with the usual nausea and such. The doctor is begging her to do the chemo, since any re-occurance of the cancer will be inoperable.

 

I get why she doesnt want to do it. Quality of life and such. My wife is devastated.

 

I don't even know what to say or do.

 

I'm not sure what you can say (other than you are sorry) but the best thing you can do is just be there for her. Better to just listen at times than just try to say something (especially if you aren't sure what to say).

 

I'm pretty sure this post wasn't that helpful since it is probably the cliche answer, but sometimes the cliche answer is sometimes a good/best answer?

 

I hope things work out..

It's certainly a tough situation to be in. Twentyseven's advice is what I would have said as well. All you can do is console her. I'm so sorry to hear about this. My prayers are with her.

Thanks guys.

I'm not sure what you can say (other than you are sorry) but the best thing you can do is just be there for her. Better to just listen at times than just try to say something (especially if you aren't sure what to say).

 

I'm pretty sure this post wasn't that helpful since it is probably the cliche answer, but sometimes the cliche answer is sometimes a good/best answer?

 

I hope things work out..

 

It's not cliche at all. Many times the best thing you can do for someone is to just listen and just make yourself available to them. Reinforce the idea that you're there and present for whatever they may need. I realize it's human nature to feel compelled to say something, but delicate situations require that one tread lightly. Supporting your wife, which I know you will do, will speak volumes to her.

 

It goes without saying, but just be there for her throughout all of it. I'm sure she knows you well enough to know just how much you care.

Well the more I think about it, it's not just my wife who's devastated. It's me too.

I'm sorry this is happening. I echo what other people have said. With situations like this a lot of times there isn't a right thing to say or any words that will take her pain away. The best thing you can do is just listen to what she says and sense what she might need. Knowing someone is there with you and cares about what you care about, makes most situations a little bit better.

Well the more I think about it, it's not just my wife who's devastated. It's me too.

 

I'm sorry :(

Well the more I think about it, it's not just my wife who's devastated. It's me too.

 

This happened to us too about 6 or 7 years ago. My wife's cousin and her best buddy who she grew up with ... one of the most beautiful, lovable young women you could ever hope to meet. Two lovely kids. We used to crash in her apt. in Chelsea. Loved her, even though her cats hated all men.

 

Like others have said, just be there for her, listen and spend the time, as could be some tough days ahead, and maybe hospital visits and other moments you will need to hug and hold each other and other relatives and talk your way through together.

 

You will find the words because they will be yours, too.

First of all, thank you Peetie for posting this, and I'm sorry for you and your wife.

 

A few months ago, my grandfather went in for testing, after waiting a while after some major symptoms appeared. Tests came back that he has a large in-operable cancerous mass on his kidney. He started chemo a few weeks ago, but because he was a smoker and already had multiple heart surgeries, he's been hospitalized. He is extremely weak and is in tremendous pain. Because of this, they have determined that the 6-8 months they had hoped for is greatly reduced and it looks like the next few weeks are going to be tough.

 

I haven't really talked to anyone, and I fortunately I have never really had any experience with anyone close to me. But this came up very quick. I was expecting more time.

You don't have to say anything but express sorrow. Then listen.

First of all, thank you Peetie for posting this, and I'm sorry for you and your wife.

 

A few months ago, my grandfather went in for testing, after waiting a while after some major symptoms appeared. Tests came back that he has a large in-operable cancerous mass on his kidney. He started chemo a few weeks ago, but because he was a smoker and already had multiple heart surgeries, he's been hospitalized. He is extremely weak and is in tremendous pain. Because of this, they have determined that the 6-8 months they had hoped for is greatly reduced and it looks like the next few weeks are going to be tough.

 

I haven't really talked to anyone, and I fortunately I have never really had any experience with anyone close to me. But this came up very quick. I was expecting more time.

 

I lost my mother and grandmother to lung cancer. Give me a shout of you need to talk.

A woman that my wife has known and worked with for 20 years is in a similar situation. She's like another mother to her. I don't know what to do either. I try to stay out of her way when I know it's on her mind. Sometimes people just want time to think rather than being consoled constantly. When she's in that mode, be the best husband you know how.

I lost my mother and grandmother to lung cancer. Give me a shout of you need to talk.

 

Definitely is tough. Just found out my Grandma has a few months left. She has been sick for a while so I am ready but I'm not sure my Mom,her daughter, is ready.

 

Cancer sucks and all you can do is be supportive. It sucks when you are in a position where you want to help but sometimes you can't.

A lot of what people are saying is good advice. Two other pieces of advice. Try very hard to remember and think about the good times with these people. If now is all about their illness, their illness will become most of what you remember about them. It's the primary difference between a slow and quick passing.

 

The other piece of advice is to find ways to spend time with them that isn't about their illness. Make some more good memories with them. Enjoy the time you have left to the fullest.

There really is nothing to say except "I'm here whenever you need me to for whatever you need me to be here for." If she wants to talk about it then listen. If she wants to forget about it then help her. If she wants to reminisce, then reminisce with her. All those things. Make it clear that your door is always open but you won't push her to walk through it. Also, just some physical contact helps even if it's just a hug or holding hands for your wife. I know what helped me get through the loss of my father was pretty much these kinds of things.

Sorry to hear this Peetie, my wife lost her father early on in our relationship and now last year lost her mother as well, it can be extremely hard to know what to do but best is to just be there and be a shoulder to lean on and someone for her to talk to who listens to her. Death is a horrible thing all round. My father just had a heart attack in Sweden and I'm so far away, he's ok at the moment but it's a horrible feeling to know what is coming sooner rather than later. I hope you guys can work it out. Good luck!

The only thing you can do for someone, and the most important thing at that, is to just be there for them. Dont force the issue, but let them know that they can come and talk to you when they need to and are ready to. Its rough having to deal with a friend that is sick and dying, but all you can do is be there for them and their loved ones.

First of all, thank you Peetie for posting this, and I'm sorry for you and your wife.

 

A few months ago, my grandfather went in for testing, after waiting a while after some major symptoms appeared. Tests came back that he has a large in-operable cancerous mass on his kidney. He started chemo a few weeks ago, but because he was a smoker and already had multiple heart surgeries, he's been hospitalized. He is extremely weak and is in tremendous pain. Because of this, they have determined that the 6-8 months they had hoped for is greatly reduced and it looks like the next few weeks are going to be tough.

 

I haven't really talked to anyone, and I fortunately I have never really had any experience with anyone close to me. But this came up very quick. I was expecting more time.

 

I lost my mother and grandmother to lung cancer. Give me a shout of you need to talk.

 

I lost my grandfatehr to cancer, and my dad to cancer. My dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer in February and died that August. I never expected him to go that quickly. It was rough watching him go through everything, especially what the chemo did to him, it was really rough. He died a year before I got maried, but luckily, he got to throw us an egagement party and celebrate with us then. My mom then died 4 years later from a heart attack. She was sick with chrones disease, and I always thought that would be what took her, her heart attack was a huge shock. I was told if she made it through the night, she had a chance. The next morning, they told me that she was kind of doing better. When I went home to take a break and sit for an hour, I got a call from my Aunt telling me to come back up to the hospital. She died a couple of hours later, actaully, today is 3 years since she passed, she also died 3 months after my son was born.

 

I am the type of person who doesnt really talk about what is bothering me, but the best advice I can give on something like this, is not to hold it in like I did, its always best to find someone to talk to. Good luck to the both of you.